What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 05:00
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Assumenda assumenda cum ducimus iste enim eos dolores molestiae.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I was 9 years of age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
But it wasn’t much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot live in the past .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But, we were locked up after school.
I said to her
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
So whats the point in blame.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She married twice! .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
I was very sick at this time too.
Put me off passion for life!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him